A Statement About Why Beowulf is the Worst Movie I Have Seen in a Long Time

Maybe the title is a bit harsh, but that does not stop it from being true. The epic retelling of the most epic piece of literature in the English language is something I have been looking forward to for a long time; while slightly more primitive than The Odyssey or even The Iliad, Beowulf is bloody, scary, and fairly straightforward. A far simpler story to tell to the ADD generation, while still containing all of the requisite elements that keep these sorts of things 'interesting.'

Which is exactly where the film goes awry. Visually it is stunning, and in particular the ending battle with a dragon is one of the more visually and artistically progressive pieces of work I have seen since LOTR. The problem is , though, that the director and writers were so busy making the film into a visual masterpiece that they forgot to make it interesting. There is nothing riveting or suspenseful or even vaguely compelling about the film, and that is the most unforgiveable aspect of the entire blunder.

Call me a traditionalist, but I remain highly skeptical of this motion capture business. Not when it comes to individual aspects of a live-action film (Andy Serkis' performance as Gollum remains one of the most spellbinding in recent memory), but rather, when the entire film gets this treatment. I get the progressive-ness of the whole thing (Look! Crispin Glover suddenly becomes a horrible monster! Angelina is naked... Only not!) but I still fail to see why it is better than having real actors in the same roles. Particularly in a story like Beowulf, when a real presentation of the human condition would have been much more effective. Grendel was scary and horrible, and using motion capture for his character was the perfect thing to do. But do we really need Robin Wright-Penn to be generated as well? And John Malkovich? I mean, if you're just going to make them look like disaffected versions of themselves, what is the point?

All of this is to say nothing of the writing (I don't think there is a single line in the whole thing where someone doesn't say 'Beowulf') and the very plausible lack of chemistry between the computer animated characters. Beowulf the myth is bloody and gory and terrifying, and the opportunity wasted to make it so in this film is a staggering loss. Beowulf strips down naked to fight Grendel, something probably historically (read: mythologically) accurate, but the scene then becomes 'How many ways can we hide his penis through ridiculous and improbable placement of inanimate objects?' and loses all credibility as a genuinely mythic fight scene.

I understand that we are making giant leaps in technology and filmmaking, but between the strike and this film, we seem to have taken a giant leap backward.

A Statement About Why the WGA Strike is Bad

OK, so like, you know there is a strike on, and you know they need to fix it, like, soon. Seriously soon.

The writers have a point. Obviously the writers have a point. In an era where reality TV is ridiculously prominent and great (hell, even good) scripted shows are hard to come by, they deserve to be fully compensated for their efforts. The advent of the TV-on-DVD concept (one of my favorite things EVER) has opened the door for more people to be seeing the shows these writers are creating, and it means more potential profits for the networks from each show. (I speak mostly about TV because that is what is mainly affected. The movies will be fine in the interim. Hell, even if the studios start producing crap, who will notice?)

But, in the immortal words of Gob Bluth, COME ON! Abbreviated seasons of the shows that we love that are actually good? The Daily Show going off the air effective immediately? This is completely unacceptable. The good thing is, at least, that the writers recognize that the viewers are the ones who keep them in business, and are thus looking to end their action as soon as possible. Let's just hope the producers cooperate.

And a special shout-out to Stephen Colbert, who, instead of letting the strike effect his show, 'voluntarily' took it off the air to recover from his failed presidential run. Genius.